“Why Am I So Overwhelmed?” Understanding the Window of Tolerance (and How to Help Kids Grow Theirs)
Ever feel like your child just can’t handle the smallest thing some days? One tiny change to the plan, a slight frustration, or even a sock that feels “wrong” can spiral into a full-blown meltdown. Or maybe you’ve noticed that you’re quicker to snap, shut down, or feel like everything is just too much.
If this sounds familiar, you’re not alone—and there’s actually a name for what might be happening:
👉 It’s called the Window of Tolerance.
Let’s break it down.
🧠 What is the Window of Tolerance?
Coined by Dr. Dan Siegel, the Window of Tolerance describes the zone in which a person is able to function and respond to stress in a calm, connected, and regulated way.
When we’re inside our window, we can:
Think clearly
Handle challenges
Stay emotionally balanced
Connect with others
Learn and problem-solve
But when we step outside that window—because of stress, trauma, overwhelm, or just a really tough day—things shift fast.
We usually go in one of two directions:
Hyperarousal: Fight or flight mode. You might feel anxious, angry, panicky, restless, or on edge.
Hypoarousal: Freeze or shutdown mode. You might feel numb, disconnected, foggy, or like you just don’t care.
Neither is “bad”—they’re survival states. But when we spend too much time outside our window, it can take a toll.
🚸 What Can Shrink the Window of Tolerance?
Everyone’s window is different—and some days, our window is smaller than others. Here are a few things that can narrow it:
Lack of sleep
Hunger or low blood sugar
Sensory overload
Stress at school or work
Past trauma or chronic stress
Illness or pain
Big transitions or changes in routine
Masking or neurodivergence burnout
When our window gets smaller, it takes less to push us over the edge. That’s why a small request or minor change can feel completely overwhelming.
🧍♀️ What Does a Narrow Window Look Like in Real Life?
Here are some signs someone (including your child) might be outside their window of tolerance:
Hyperarousal (Fight/Flight)
Yelling, hitting, or emotional outbursts
Restlessness or fidgeting
Fast talking or constant movement
Refusing to do tasks, seeming “defiant”
Anxiety or panic
Hypoarousal (Freeze)
Zoning out or seeming “spaced out”
Not responding when spoken to
Saying “I don’t care” or seeming shut down
Refusing to participate or withdrawing
Low energy or excessive tiredness
Sometimes these behaviours are misunderstood as laziness, defiance, or attitude—but often, they’re nervous system responses, not choices.
💬 Why Sharing This With Kids Matters
One of the most powerful things you can do is help your child learn the language of their nervous system.
When kids understand that:
“I’m not bad—I’m outside my window,”
they can begin to separate their behaviour from their identity.
Try saying things like:
“Looks like your window is feeling a bit small right now. Let’s take a break together.”
“It’s okay to feel like this. What does your body need to come back into your window?”
“Sometimes our window gets really narrow when we’re tired or overwhelmed.”
This gives kids a framework for understanding their emotions and permission to ask for help.
🌱 How to Support and Expand the Window of Tolerance
The good news? Our windows aren’t fixed. With time, care, and support, we can help our children—and ourselves—grow wider windows of tolerance.
Here’s how:
1. Co-Regulation First
Before a child can self-regulate, they need to feel safe and connected. Offer a calm presence, validate their feelings, and stay with them through the big moments.
“You’re not alone. I’ve got you. We’ll get through this together.”
2. Create Safety and Predictability
Routines, transitions, and sensory-friendly environments help kids stay in their window more often.
3. Name and Normalize
Teach your child that feelings are messengers, not problems. Use simple language to talk about their nervous system and give them words to describe what they’re feeling.
4. Build In Regulation Tools
Help your child explore what soothes them—this could be deep breathing, fidget tools, movement breaks, or even quiet time with a pet or stuffed animal.
5. Model It Yourself
Your nervous system affects theirs. The more you practice your own regulation strategies (like slowing your breath, setting boundaries, or taking breaks), the more your child learns what regulation looks like in action.
🧠 When to Reach Out for Extra Help
If you or your child often feel outside your window of tolerance—and it’s interfering with school, relationships, or daily life—it might be time to reach out for support.
You’re not failing. You’re being incredibly brave by asking for help.
Support options might include:
A registered therapist or counsellor
School-based supports like child and youth workers (CYWs)
Occupational therapists for sensory support
Parent coaching and psychoeducation
Mental health walk-in clinics or family health teams
💛 Final Thoughts: You’re Not Alone in This
Everyone has a window of tolerance. And everyone has days when their window shrinks.
Supporting your child (or yourself) through those moments isn’t about “fixing” anything—it’s about meeting your nervous system where it’s at and building safety and connection from there.
You’re doing your best. And that matters.