Fight, Flight, Freeze, Fawn & Flop: What Survival Mode Really Looks Like in Our Kids (and Us)
You’ve probably seen it before:
A child who explodes in anger over something small.
One who bolts out of a room the moment they feel uncomfortable.
A teen who seems shut down, unreachable, or “numb.”
A child who tries to please everyone to avoid conflict.
Or one who just melts into the floor and gives up before even trying.
These might look like bad behavior, disobedience, or laziness.
But really? These are survival responses—and they’re deeply rooted in the nervous system.
Let’s talk about what’s going on.
🧠 The Nervous System: Our Built-In Safety Alarm
Our brains and bodies are wired to keep us safe. When our nervous system senses danger—real or perceived—it jumps into action. This can happen from a loud noise, a difficult conversation, a traumatic memory, or even sensory overload.
These reactions aren’t a choice. They’re automatic.
They’re controlled by a part of the brain that acts way faster than our thinking mind.
These responses are called:
👉 Fight, Flight, Freeze, Fawn, and Flop.
Each one is a way of surviving stress or danger.
🔥 FIGHT
This is the nervous system saying: “Get big! Push back! Defend yourself!”
What it might look like in kids:
Yelling, hitting, throwing things
Arguing or seeming “defiant”
Talking back or refusing help
These kids aren’t just “misbehaving.” They’re trying to regain control of a moment that feels really unsafe inside.
🏃 FLIGHT
This is the urge to run away from danger—literally or emotionally.
What it might look like in kids:
Running away or hiding
Avoiding people or situations
Refusing to go to school or participate in activities
Constantly moving or fidgeting
This child is trying to escape something that feels overwhelming—even if we don’t see the danger they feel.
❄️ FREEZE
This response says: “Stay still. Maybe the danger will pass.”
What it might look like in kids:
Zoning out or going silent
Feeling stuck or unable to respond
Seeming numb or blank
Difficulty making decisions or taking action
They may look like they’re ignoring you—but their body is in shut-down mode.
🤝 FAWN
This response says: “If I keep the peace, maybe I’ll stay safe.”
What it might look like in kids:
Over-apologizing or people-pleasing
Always agreeing with others
Being overly helpful or trying to avoid conflict
Suppressing their own needs
These kids often fly under the radar—but they may be ignoring their own boundaries to feel secure.
🫠 FLOP
This is a full-body collapse. It’s beyond freeze—it’s the nervous system giving up.
What it might look like in kids:
Going limp or lying down suddenly
Saying “I can’t” or refusing to move
Appearing extremely fatigued or disconnected
This is the most extreme form of shutdown, and it can be especially hard to recognize as a survival response.
💡 Why Is This Important to Know?
Because everyday things can activate these responses—not just major traumas.
👉 A tough school day
👉 A noisy environment
👉 A reminder of something painful
👉 A loss of control, or feeling misunderstood
Kids don’t always tell us they’re overwhelmed—but their nervous system does. Their behavior is their communication.
And sometimes, past trauma or chronic stress makes the nervous system more sensitive—so even small triggers feel huge.
🛑 So, What Can We Do? Start With Safety
Before we can reason, teach, or talk through the situation, we have to help the nervous system feel safe.
Here’s how to support your child (or yourself) in survival mode:
1. Stay regulated yourself
Co-regulation is powerful. Your calm presence helps signal to your child’s body that they’re safe. Breathe slowly. Speak softly. Ground yourself first.
2. Name what’s happening (without shame)
Try saying:
“I think your brain is in fight mode right now. That’s okay. Let’s help it feel safe again.”
This helps them learn to understand and eventually name their own responses.
3. Offer grounding tools
Deep breathing
Movement (jumping jacks, wall pushes, walks)
Sensory input (weighted blankets, stress balls, fidget toys)
Gentle touch or connection (if welcomed)
4. Hold boundaries with compassion
Safety also comes from structure. You can set firm limits and be empathetic:
“I won’t let you hurt anyone, but I’m here with you while this feels hard.”
🧠 There’s a Biology to Big Emotions
When your child has a big reaction, it’s not just "being emotional."
Their nervous system is reacting to a perceived threat.
That’s not something they’re choosing—it’s something they’re experiencing.
When we understand this, we can respond with compassion instead of control.
And we can help them learn tools to stay inside their Window of Tolerance more often (see our last blog post for more on that!).
📣 Remember: You’re Doing the Best You Can
This stuff is hard. Parenting in survival mode isn’t easy—especially if you’re also navigating your own stress or trauma.
If you or your child need more support, know that you’re not alone.
Reach out to:
A local child and youth counsellor
A therapist or trauma-informed clinician
Your family doctor or school supports
Programs in your area that specialize in emotional regulation and nervous system support
💬 Final Thoughts
Your child’s big feelings are not a failure.
Their nervous system is speaking—and it’s asking for help to feel safe again.
By understanding these survival responses, we can meet them with empathy, not punishment.
And when kids learn their emotions aren’t bad or wrong, they learn how to manage them with confidence.
You’re already doing an amazing job by being curious and compassionate. Keep going—you’ve got this. ❤️